Every day is a learning curve, even for a fairly long-in-the-tooth, grumpy, opinionated bugger such as myself. I’ve learned several things just today.
- High-fiving a spider on the wall will lead to tragic consequences
- Adding hot gravy to dog meat the dog won’t eat will mean that he will treat it like an entirely new meal – yes, he’s really that easily fooled
- Kidnapping a cupboard will not yield a particularly large ransom – people will generally just buy a new one from IKEA
- Peacocks can fuck off.
I don’t have anything specifically against peacocks. They just demand mince pies from Fortnum & Masons instead of regular mass-produced supermarket mince pies, which I believe to be a pretentious stance. OK, maybe if you own peacocks, you can afford to shop at Fortnum & Mason, but that’s not the point. Demanding such luxuries in a recession just sends out the wrong message and, as such, they can fuck off.
As for the cupboard… you know who you are. We still have your cupboard. It has been a year. If you want your cupboard returned to you unharmed, you WILL forward to us, via wire transfer, half a million Euros. We can provide photographic evidence that it is doing OK. You can even speak to it on the ‘phone… but time is running out. You have been warned.