So I really like Phil Collins. Is that such a crime? He’s pretty much my favourite artist. I love his music and I love him. He gets bad press all the time. I send letters to the newspapers begging them to take his genius seriously, but they don’t listen, so I send them boxes of angry bees through the post. Is that such a crime? I love Phil Collins so much, I have a dog who I called Phil Collins. I never just call him Phil, though, that would be disrespectful. It’s always, “Come here, Phil Collins. Sit, Phil Collins. Beg, Phil Collins. Stop licking your genitals, Phil Collins.” I also have a hamster called Phil Collins. I shaved his head so that he looks exactly like his namesake on the cover of “Face Value”. Is that such a crime?
Phil Collins knows who I am. He has signed several of my albums, some tour programmes and my left buttock, which I haven’t washed since. Is that such a crime? You know, the press slaughtered him for breaking up with his wife via fax. He was simply being economical! Do you know how much a phone call costs these days compared to a facsimile transmission? I never ring anyone any more. Of course, I don’t know anyone to ring, but that’s beside the point. I harassed his ex-wife for two years until I was finally imprisoned for threatening behaviour. Is that such a crime?
I also got put in prison for singing “Sussudio” in public. Well, the actual charge was making love to a swan, but I was singing “Sussudio” at the time. Is that such a crime? You may think that’s a little odd, but I couldn’t very well sing “Easy Lover”, that wouldn’t have been appropriate at all. Have YOU ever tried to make love to a swan? There are some people who may think that having sex with a swan is disgusting, but I was thinking about Phil Collins the whole of the time, honest. I wouldn’t cheat on Phil Collins, not mentally, anyway. Anyway, I have to go now, to light all of the candles in my shrine to Phil Collins and to play “…But Seriously”. Then I’m going to kill all of Phil Collins’ family because if I can’t have him nobody can. Is that such a crime?