Dogs are good pets, sure – but what do they actually do? They are, in fact, a lot of work for their owners and I believe that it is about time the lazy, useless animals gave something back in return. Here are a few ideas you can implement in order to put your dog to better use;
1. Pen/Pencil holder – Both ends… although they tend to get chewed at one end so you may want to use the other end, put up with the smell and resist the urge to chew the pencils yourself once they’ve been retrieved from the holder.
2. Coffee Table – although your new table may be rather unstable and will be completely unsuitable for hot liquids. Especially coffee.
3. Rug – Handy and portable – even when you don’t want it to be. Warning – this rug will yelp and bite if walked over and may not be receptive to vacuuming.
4. Garbage Disposal – one of the already natural functions of a dog. Not overly keen on vegetables, though. Warning: usage results in a greater quantity of (arguably more disgusting) waste.
5. Food Processor – put food in mouth, ask dog not to swallow and allow your food processor to do it’s job – hey presto… Ready chewed food! Oh – and swallowed. Bad dog!
6. Dishwasher – every plate and piece of cutlery, when presented to newly adapted dog will be licked clean and ready for your next use! Product warning: Danger of contracting worms, please wash plates again.
7. Electronic Cuddly Toy – an ideal ‘animatronic’ gift for your young ones! Certain ‘brands’ are not suitable for young children or, to be frank, anyone (Rottweilers, Dobermans, Pit Bulls etc.). No batteries required – indeed, if you try to insert batteries, product may appear somewhat distressed.
8. Watering Can – The ideal gift for the gardener in your life. Simply give your new watering can plenty to drink, then let it loose in the garden and it will give all of your ground-level plants a decent watering. (n.b. we are not responsible for plants and flowers dying from high ammonia levels in your new horticultural implement, nor are we responsible for the crap on your new lawn or the bloody great holes your watering can may dig.)
9. Hot Water Bottle – Effective new product keeps you warm in your bed at night – may lick your toes for no extra cost. (Warning: Do not fill with hot water. Hot Water Bottle may go absolutely fucking mental and viciously attack you.)
10. Stamp Moistener – Sick of licking your own stamps? Simply turn up the heating in your house to max temperature and the dog’s tongue will hang out, ready to lick the stamps so that you don’t have to!
11. Clothes Dryer – Simply attach a clothes hanger to the dog’s collar, attach the garment of choice and then get him to chase his or her ball for a couple of hours. Hey presto! Your favourite shirt will be bone dry. And hairy. And dirty. And will need washing again. Still, at least you’ll have your clothes dryer ready for next time – once it’s had a little sleep to recover, of course.
12. Mop – This works better on small dogs, but if you’re nice and strong, you can also employ a bigger dog to scrub your floors too. All you need to do is tie a broom handle to your dog’s collar, dip it in some water with some animal-friendly detergent (the mop may struggle at this stage – don’t worry, this is perfectly normal) and then you can start washing your floors. The beauty of this is that you don’t have to wring out the mop – simply send it outside to shake itself off before proceeding with the next batch of cleaning! (nb. If you don’t have any rope, then there is an alternative method you can use to affix the broom handle to the ‘mop head’, but the ‘mop head’ may bite.)
13. Internal Combustion Engine – I have to admit that this is still at the concept stage and is, admittedly, quite an ambitious project. However, I have managed to produce a small quantity of gas power from the new engines by feeding them cauliflower, but, sadly, nowhere nearly enough to propel a small car. I’ll get back to you on this one.