*** Beard Records Press Release ***

Introducing the new musical, audio/visual/sexual sensation, hailing from the vibrant city that never sleeps, Scunthorpe, the exciting new vocal, guitar and xylophone-based band, The Inedible Cutlery, with their amazing, unbelievable new concept album, The Last Spring Onion of Winter.  Released on Christmas Day, 2010, and recorded entirely in a 24-hour grocery store in Birmingham on in-store CCTV, Beard Records are anticipating a phenomenal demand for the album described as the hottest property since quince ice-cream and have manufactured at least seventeen copies!

The Inedible Cutlery are a talented Scottish duo (consisting of three people from England) who first became inspired to venture into the rock world after watching Jona Lewie perform “Stop The Cavalry” at The Corn Exchange, Cambridge. Their music has been described as a cross between Coldplay, Stevie Wonder, Britney Spears, Rolf Harris and The Dubliners. It has also been described as ‘unlistenable’ by the majority of people who have an ear on either side of their head.

Robbie Rancid (vocals), 27, gave up a lucrative career as a milkman’s assistant to devote his energies to the band and his distinctive vocal style has been likened to two reindeer rutting whilst yodeling. The young hotshot Eric ‘The Eel’ Eriksson (three-stringed guitar), 17, has been described by a local newspaper as ‘mental’, but bearing an uncanny resemblance to Jimi Hendrix, despite that fact that he is white, bald and weighs 350lbs. His guitar playing is somewhat more elementary than Jimi’s as he only learned to play the guitar last Friday when he found one someone had thrown away owing to woodworm.  Derek Colostomy (xylophone), 54, was found wandering round the local supermarket with organisms living in his spittle shouting about illegal immigrants in the cheese aisle.  That is, he was in the cheese aisle, shouting about illegal immigrants, not complaining about illegal immigrants being located in the cheese aisle.

Being something of a retro release, this album will only be available on 8-track, in a move said to be “completely fucking crazy” by none other than Rod Stewart.  The band responded to Rod’s comments by coating a copy of “The Best Of Rod Stewart” with sunflower oil drained from a can of tuna.  Rod declined to comment about this act, although The Mail On Sunday did report that he looked “bloody old and a bit grumpy” when questioned about it.

Track Listing;

1.  Your Bunion Is A Spring Onion!
2.  Overture Of Obesity
3.  Washing My Legs With Your Ovaries
4.  I’m An Actor – You’re A Glass Of Orange Juice – Let’s Get It On, Baby!
5.  Penguin Orgy
6.  A Tender Passion For Liquid Soap
7.  The Nutritional Value Of Eggs
8.  A Brighter Future With Farm Equipment
9.  Ooh Jiggy- Jiggy, Aah Jiggy-Jiggy, Eee Jiggy-Jiggy, Carrot.
10.  The Fixed-rate Mortgage With Optional Travel Insurance Blues
11.  My Name’s Norman And I Like Steam Locomotives
12.  I Remember Your Number But I Don’t Know How To Use A Telephone
13.  Good Day Rectal Surgery
14.  Epilogue: Your Dad’s A Pervert!

Hitting the shops soon… place your order now from any branch of LIDL to avoid disappointment!

About A.D.S.

You are reading the musings of a music-obsessed forty-something who was brought up on The Beatles, lived through Britpop and now spends his time in pursuit of the best music around. This 'blog gives me an outlet to write about the huge number of albums I buy and the many gigs I go to. All of the opinions expressed are my own and if you don't agree with me, then I understand - music is a very personal thing. I like to receive comments, especially if they're nice ones.
This entry was posted in Humour, Music and tagged , . Bookmark the permalink.

2 Responses to *** Beard Records Press Release ***

  1. Bill says:

    Is Derek Arthur’s brother?

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s