*Jaunty Theme Music*
“Eh Oh” said Tinky-Winky.
“Eh Oh” said Dipsy.
“Eh Oh” said Laa-Laa.
“Eh Oh” said Po.
Hello Teletubbies. What are you doing today?
“Teletubbies waiting for fwiend!” said Tinky-Winky enthusiastically.
“Waiting for fwiend!” agreed the others.
The Teletubbies were waiting for a friend.
Just then, there was a knock on the door. Laa-Laa rushed over to open it. It was Barney, the big purple dinosaur.
“Eh Oh Barney” said Laa-Laa.
“Hello Laa Laa” said Barney, cheerfully.
“Eh Oh Barney” said Dipsy.
“Hello Dipsy” said Barney, a little less cheerfully.
“Eh Oh Barney” said Tinky-Winky.
“Oh, knock it off, will you?”, snapped Barney, “I really don’t have time for this shit.”
“How wude!” exclaimed Tinky-Winky.
Poor Tinky-Winky. Barney was rude.
“Does Barney have our stuff?” asked Po coyly, wringing his hands.
“Yes, Barney has your stuff”, replied the grinning dinosaur, “but Barney needs the cash up front.”
Dipsy stamped his foot, impatiently. “Dipsy all fucked up – Dipsy needs a hit.”
Dipsy was going through severe withdrawal symptoms. Poor Dipsy.
“In a minute”, chuckled Barney, “But I need my money first.”
“Barney want Tubby Toast?” enquired Tinky-Winky.
“Look – don’t fuck with me”, smiled Barney, revealing a gold tooth, “Shove your motherfucking Tubby Toast up your motherfucking ass along with your stupid gay motherfucking handbag and give me the motherfucking money, or I’ll fuck you up. I’ll fuck you up bad, you bitch-ass motherfuckers!”
“Oooooh!” gasped all of the Teletubbies together.
“Hey – where’s The Nu-Nu?” asked Barney, “He’s not hiding out back, packing heat is he? You don’t want to play games with me, Tubbies! Remember what I did to those bitches in Lazy Town when that Sportacus tried to jump me?”.
The Tubbies all shook their head in protest.
“Nu-Nu not here! Nu-Nu overdosed on coke!”, laughed Laa-Laa, “Nu-Nu had seizure and looked funny!”
“Tubbies said ‘again, again'” chuckled Po, “But Nu-Nu was dead!”
“Nu-Nu dead!” roared Tinky-Winky and the Teletubbies all fell to the floor laughing, apart from Dipsy who was going through cold turkey and had the cold sweats and shakes.
“Need a fix”, muttered Dipsy shivering violently, “Need a fix”.
The other three Teletubbies glanced at Dipsy and then all looked at their big purple friend expectantly.
“Oh OK then”, groaned Barney, “but I need the money tomorrow and you’d better pay me. Double! You wouldn’t like me when I’m mad. That bitch Elmo didn’t pay me and now I have his balls in my backpack. I fucked his shit up real good!”
Barney removed two little furry balls from his backpack and held them up, proudly.
“Ooooooh!” said the Tubbies, wide-eyed as Barney danged Elmo’s testicles in front of them.
“Now remember the song”, laughed Barney;
“I love you,
You love me,
Remember Barney’s money,
Or he’ll break your fucking knee
With a great big knife,
He’ll perform a vasectomy,
Don’t even think of fucking with me”.
The Tubbies finished singing along, all nodded solemly and held out their hands expectantly.
“Tank-oo Barney” said all of the Tubbies, taking their baggies eagerly.
The Tubbies loved their skag.
After handing over the drugs and watching four contented, wide-eyed Tubbies shooting up, Barney stepped over the icy-white corpse of the Nu-Nu and wandered home, past the happy hopping bunnies and pretty flowers.
Time for Tubby bye-bye, Time for Tubby bye-bye… oh – they’re ripped off their tits on heroin and are really quite unconscious. I do hope Barney hasn’t sold them some bad shit. We’ll see in the morning, children, won’t we?
Join us tomorrow when Po and Dipsy are forced to sell their bodies to The Fimbles in order to pay Barney, Laa-Laa takes up mugging to pay for his habit and Tinky-Winky gets some bad news from the doctor after years of sharing needles.
*Jaunty theme music*