Good evening and welcome on board the Expressly National service number 460 non-stop from Coventry to London. A few things before we depart. The lavatory is out of use due to vandalism… well, actually it was my fat arse that broke the seat. So anyone requiring the toilet during the two-hour long journey will have to come and tell me, so I can laugh manically for about two minutes and then tell them to go to hell. Anyone attempting to open the locked toilet door will be thrown off the bus.
The consumption or possession of alcohol on this service is prohibited – apart from by me that is, I need it to continue to work for this bastard company. So, in short, I will be drinking this six pack of Stella I have under the seat directly after the shift. But you can’t have any. Anyone caught drinking alcohol will be thrown off the bus and will have their booze confiscated to add to my collection. Similarly, smoking is prohibited on this service. Anyone caught doing so will be told to go to hell and will be thrown off the bus. Any smokers on board may want to sit behind me and inhale my fumes as I will be smoking like a bloody chimney throughout the whole trip.
You may have noticed, there is no refreshment trolley on this service today. This is because Mrs. Dalrymple, who usually works with me, had a nervous breakdown. I refute the allegations that I caused it. She, and the fourteen others who are making similar claims can go to hell and I will see them in court. In the meantime, there will be no coffee or tea during the journey, but just to taunt you, I will be drinking from a hot flask my bitch of a wife made me earlier today. Anyone complaining will told to go to hell and will be thrown off the bus.
Some more ground rules. There will be no personal stereos or iPods on this bus – if I hear the *tch* *tch* *tch* of a personal stereo coming from any of the seats, then you’ll be hearing the *tch* *tch* *tch* of your personal stereo coming from right up your arse as it sails out of the door of my bus. Got that? Next thing – I notice there are a few couples on board. If you think you’re going to kiss and cuddle on my bus then you’ve got another thing coming. I’m 54 years old and haven’t had sexual intercourse for nearly three years. If I’m not getting any, then neither are you. Any hint of petting – heavy or otherwise – and you’ll both be bloody well walking to London on the hard shoulder!
Lastly – I’m sick of getting colds and ‘flu from you bloody people. You come on here coughing and sneezing, spreading your germs like the filthy vermin you all are… well there’s to be none of that on my bus. In fact, I’d rather you didn’t breathe. Anyone caught breathing on my bus will be thrown off. Is that clear? I said is that clear? Good. Now that’s all out of the way, I’d like to thank you for travelling with Expressly National and hope you all have a pleasant journey. Although it’s not bloody likely.