So… it’s the 1st of January, 2011. Or 1/1/11. Or the binary year 15. Whatever you want to call it, it’s the first day of the year. Unless you’re Chinese. Or Jewish. I’m neither (nor both), so, for me, it’s the start of a brand, spanking new year. How exciting!
On the first day of the year, it is fairly traditional to make some new year’s resolutions, so you can shape your deeply flawed life into one you’re happier with. Looking back on my actions and behaviour in the past year, it’s evident that I have so much I need to change, so I thought I’d share my list of new year’s resolutions with you all. After all, if they’re in the public domain, I’m going to have to make an extra special effort to keep them, aren’t I?
This year I resolve to:
- Take a bath or shower at least once a month, even if I don’t really need one
- Learn the children’s names as they’re beginning to grow weary of being called “Girl 1”, “Girl 2” and “Thingy”
- Sing a Neil Diamond song at the top of my voice, once every day.
- Answer the ‘phone properly instead of just yelling “gazebo” at everyone who calls
- Find out why that mail order book on not being a victim of mail order fraud hasn’t turned up. It was bloody expensive…
- Try to actually laugh at people’s jokes instead of just standing there, stony faced, repeatedly saying “lol”
- Try to stop being sarcastic… yeah, because that’ll be so easy!
- Write that erotic novel about a depressed Yak who discovers a discarded package of Viagra and a whole box of watermelons
- Help one of those Nigerian Princes who desperately need to use my bank account to smuggle millions out of their country
- Learn a different language, such as Dolphin
This year I resolve to stop:
- Barking loudly at the postman as he pushes the letters through our door
- Riding the dog’s back whilst dressed as the Lone Ranger
- Asking my fiancée to dress like The Queen Mother when we go to bed
- Making announcements on my train asking “Mr bin Laden to return to his luggage”
- Trying to spy on geese as they make love
- Serving nothing but lemons for dinner on Fridays
- Singing an Elvis Presley song at the top of my voice, once every day
- Standing behind a very clean patio door, waving fish at seagulls then laughing at the resulting impact
- Staring at people on buses whilst pointedly rubbing my nipples with the tips of my fingers
- Singing “Hallelujah” every time I come
- Texting people “I’m horny” when I’m drunk. My Mum, Sister and Great Aunt really don’t appreciate it.
- Buying things I really don’t need. Like food.
- Wasting my money on idiotic things like lottery tickets and, instead, do something much more sensible – like betting on the horses
- Winking and telling policemen that they have amazing technique when being frisked
- Breathing so frivolously
- Dressing up our youngest child to look like Ann Widdecombe, no matter how hilarious it may be
- Stealing all of the sugar sachets from Starbucks every time I go in for a coffee
- Throwing eggs at the television every time Alan Titchmarsh comes on
- Mooning at speed cameras
- Sending Noel Edmonds signed photos and locks of my pubic hair – he’s never asked for them, after all
- Ordering taxis for next door at 3 a.m. and then peering behind the curtains sniggering and wetting myself, slightly
- Damning everything to hell
I’m sure I won’t be able to keep all of them, but I’ll try. I hope those of you close to me will support me in my quest to be a better person. Good luck with your resolutions!
Happy new year!