“Who Ate My Cucumber” – A play in the making…

“Who ate my cucumber?”

A play in the making by Andrew D. Sweeney


Lord Montague (played by Peter Davidson) – the lord of the manor.
Lady Flatulence (played by Tom Baker) – the lady of the manor.
Baron Von Baron (played by Sylvester McCoy) – the baron of the manor.
Baroness Von Baron (played by Su Pollard) – a chalet maid who wants to be a yellow coat
Jeeves (played by Bryan Ferry) – the loyal servant with a penchant for buggery
Kevin, the dog (played by Big Jeffrey, the antelope) – a large dog with a nervous disposition.

Act One, Scene One

Takes place in the library. Already present: Lady Flatulence (seated), Baroness Von Baron (taking part in a knobbly knees contest) and Kevin (balancing on top of the hat stand).

Lord Montague: (entering) Ah, there you are, Lady Flatulence, in the library!

Kevin: Woof!

Lady Flatulence: Yes, I am, indeed, in the library. In the library, indeed I am, indeed.

Baroness Von Baron: Hi-de-hi!

Kevin: Woof!

Lord Montague: Well, what are you doing in the library?

Lady Flatulence: Eating my ice cream.

Lord Montague: (raising his leg and farting) In the library? That’s most irregular!

Kevin: Woof!

Baroness Von Baron: Hi-de-hi!

Jeeves: (enters the room via the window) You rang, M’lord?

(audience applauds, after all, it is Bryan Ferry)

Lady Flatulence: Ah, Jeeves. I have finished with my ice cream now. Can you dispose of the wafer cone?

Jeeves: Certainly ma’am. (Take cone and feeds it to Kevin)

Kevin: Hi-de-hi!

Baroness Von Baron: Woof!

Jeeves: Will that be all?

Lord Montague: No. It will not. Jeeves, this simply won’t do.

Jeeves: M’Lord?

Lord Montague: Now you’re all here, I have a question to ask. Who ate my cucumber?

Lady flatulence faints.

Jeeves: Oh dear.

Kevin: Woof!

Baroness Von Baron: I want to be a yellowcoat!

Lord Montague: Yes, very good, Baroness, but that still doesn’t answer my question. Who ate my cucumber?

Lady Flatulence faints.

Jeeves: Oh dear.

Kevin: Woof!

Baroness Von Baron: Chuck ‘em in the pool!

Lord Montague: Oh, fuck the lot of you. It was only a fucking cucumber anyway. (exits, riding an ostrich)

Jeeves: (removing his trousers) Anyone for a spot of light sodomy?

Kevin: Woof!

Baroness Von Baron: Ooh, Miss Cathcart!

Baron Von Baron (enters) Hey everyone, I’ve just eaten a really tasty cucumber. Don’t know who it belonged to, but I’m sure they won’t mind.

Kevin Woof!

Lady Flatulence faints.

(end of act one, scene one)

About A.D.S.

You are reading the musings of a music-obsessed forty-something who was brought up on The Beatles, lived through Britpop and now spends his time in pursuit of the best music around. This 'blog gives me an outlet to write about the huge number of albums I buy and the many gigs I go to. All of the opinions expressed are my own and if you don't agree with me, then I understand - music is a very personal thing. I like to receive comments, especially if they're nice ones.
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