I can’t believe that Sky have sacked me. The world has gone mad! Sacked for just for a few silly jokey comments about women. I love women! I’ve got five kids with four different women – if that isn’t loving women, then what is? Besides, my Mother was a woman, so how could I hate women? It’s ridiculous. In fact, all of this so-called “scandal” is completely the fault of the women involved. If that assistant referee hadn’t have been a woman, then I wouldn’t have been able to make any kind of offensive comments about her not knowing the offside rule – so, in reality, it’s her fault! And that woman who I asked to help tuck my microphone into my trousers… if she hadn’t have had such big tits and been so shaggable, then I would never have made such a suggestion! All. Her. Fault. Women have no place in football anyway. How many football players are women? That’s right, none. Apart from in women’s football, which isn’t real football at all – and all of those women footballers are lesbians, anyway. Not that I’ve got anything against lesbians… when two women are kissing, it’s two less women who are able to open their mouths and bitch about something!
It’s obvious that I’ve been a victim of ageism and I’m being shunted aside to make way for a younger model. Talking of younger models, there was this absolute cracker in Nuts magazine who could open bottles with her… er, anyway, that’s not important now. I’m also the victim of the fact that Sky are owned by Murdoch, just like The News Of The World, who I’m suing for hacking my phone, which broke my heart, because it’s my favourite newspaper. Apart from The Sunday Sport, it’s the Sunday paper with the most semi-naked babes in it! Look, anyone (apart from a woman) can see that I’m not sexist, I’m just an old-fashioned, red-blooded male with a healthy sex drive and a sense of humour. Perhaps there’s no place in the television world for people like me. You know, real men. I’m obviously not one of these limp-wristed media types with pink shirts who all seem to be called Crispin, Quentin and fucking Barney. Actually, I’m glad I’ve been sacked – it’ll give me a chance to write a regular column for Loaded magazine and The Daily Star. It won’t quite bring in the same sort of money, but at least I’ll be communicating with real people who will appreciate me.
Last thing – I really appreciate Richard Keys quitting Sky, though, and all the support he’s shown me. I owe him one. I’ll have to buy him a couple of beers down at Spearmint Rhino later, if he gets permission from the ball and chain, that is!
I’ll be back. Just like “Big” Ron Atkinson!
Andy ‘G-Man’ Gray.