YOUR WEEKLY HOROSCOPES
by Mystic Veg
Aquarius (January 21st to February 19th)
You will be sexually propositioned by a golden, elderly, naked pensioner in the month of February. Turning him down will bring grave misfortune. Accepting his demands will bring grave misfortune. Horniness will be the decider of this conundrum. The last week of January will be a curious one for all of those Aquarians who eat food, so, for a straightforward week, make sure you refrain from eating. You should also say “yes” to everything you normally say “no” to in the month of March. Hey, bad things may happen, but your partner will be absolutely delighted. Just make sure you wear a condom.
Opportunity wears a nifty bowler hat and plays the trombone.
Your lucky word: Hysterectomy.
Your lucky number: 9001
Pisces (February 20th to March 20th)
Nothing can go right for you at the moment, including your car, so avoid driving unless you are only going places which involve left turns. Reading a restaurant menu will give you uncontrollable orgasms on the first and third Tuesdays of February, so it may be wise to eat at home on those days, unless you’re a bit of an exhibitionist. A young man will raise his eyebrows at you three times when you’re least expecting it. Take this as a sign not to leave the house for the next 48 hours, otherwise pianos will most certainly fall from the sky and kill all of your favourite celebrities. Meerkats will spell disaster for your laundry during the year of 2013, so steer well clear!
Suspense comes in the form of a money-off coupon for fish fingers.
Your lucky word: Boobies!
Your lucky number: 0800 11 11
Aries (March 21st to April 20th)
Lucky you! Yes, you, the lucky reader of this lucky horoscope will be lucky enough to have such great luck… and you will win the lottery! Yes, that’s right, the lottery! For the winning numbers, please mail a cheque (made payable to “Cash”) for £2,500 to Mystic Veg, Behind The Third Sink On The Left, The Men’s Lavatories, Brighton Pier, BRIGHTON, East Sussex. Within the next four years, you will be mailed on the Friday (by SECOND CLASS POST!) the winning lottery numbers for the Saturday draw. If that wasn’t enough, during the third week of February, a puzzled, orange cat will breathe the name of your one true love into your dainty right ear – but he will speak Russian, so you will need to take classes to be able to understand him. Start now! It’s a complicated language, you know.
Happiness comes in the form of money, and lots of it.
Your lucky word: Aardvark.
Your lucky number: 69
Taurus (April 21st to May 21st)
You should pay close attention to your dreams, because they will tell you everything you need to know about your close friends and family – their deepest secrets, the size of their underwear and the pin number to their debit cards. On selected Thursdays during the month, the all-knowing cosmos will allow you to remove expensive items of clothing from your favourite stores without paying and without the security staff noticing. Unfortunately, the stars haven’t told me which Thursdays, so I suggest a system of trial and error. If you get caught, then it just wasn’t that Thursday. I’m sure they will understand.
Misfortune comes in the form of a homosexual otter.
Your lucky word: Enema
Your lucky number: 999
Gemini (May 22nd to June 21st)
Saturn will play a special part in the lives of Geminis this month. You should all forsake whatever religions you have and stop praying to your Gods, because Saturn will be your lord and master in February. If you do not give your undivided loyalty to mighty Saturn, every computer you touch will crash, you will become completely infertile (unless you want to be infertile, in which case you or your partner will become pregnant) and wild boars will invade your homes at night to chew off your toes. Seeing eleven red cars this month will be a sign of impending doom, so once you’ve seen your tenth red car, it would be very smart to walk everywhere with your eyes tightly shut.
True love comes in the form of an angry erect penis.
Your lucky word: Cystitis
Your lucky number: 666
Cancer (June 22nd to July 22nd)
Love is in their air! Well, it’s either that or swine ‘flu. Every single Cancerian will meet their true love within three and a half hours of reading this horoscope. Unfortunately, they will already be married to someone else, so this will cause you devastation, pain and mild incontinence. Of course, that doesn’t stop some people, but you don’t want to end up on The Jeremy Kyle Show, do you? Playing the mandolin will bring great happiness for all you Cancerians out there this month, as it is Jupiter’s most favourite string instrument, apart from the tuba. Over-playing the mandolin, however, will lead to it being shoved right up your bottom by an angry German called Derek.
Emotional security comes in the form of a tasty laxative.
Your lucky word: Chicken McNugget
Your lucky number: £3.29
Leo (July 23rd to August 21st)
Having sexual relations with a sibling will bring about terrible luck for all Leos this month, as well as one-eyed children, criminal charges and an appearance on The Jeremy Kyle Show. During the longest night in February, if you remember to put your most expensive piece of jewelry in the microwave oven for three and a half minutes, then you will be showered with all of Pluto’s vast and infinite knowledge. As well as sparks, molten metal and pieces of your microwave. Crossword puzzles are an inexpensive source of entertainment. Buy low, sell high. A bowl, a spoon, a packet of corn flakes and some milk will make a boring, but adequate breakfast. Sugar is optional.
Heartache comes in the form of a spicy sausage in the shape of Northern Ireland.
Your lucky word: Grimsby
Your lucky number: 42
Virgo (August 22nd to September 23rd)
Poor you! You can’t win, so you may as well not try. With luck like yours, you may as well not get out of bed for the next month because, if you do, people you love will make your life a living hell by pelting you with amphibians. Don’t despair, though, Mars is on your side and will square everything up with the rest of the planet, just as long as you make a naked video of you pleasuring yourself with your favourite “toy” (if you know what I mean) and then e-mail it to firstname.lastname@example.org. Videos will only be shared with selected online sites in exchange for money, so you know your most intimate details are safe in the hands of the entire online community. If you’re under 18 or over 40 (or male), just ignore everything I’ve said. Everything will be just fine for you.
Redemption comes in the form of a bespectacled possum with a hangover.
Your lucky word: Bloodybuggerbum.
Your lucky number: 3.141593
Libra (September 24th to October 23rd)
You will meet a tall, alcoholic man with a body odour problem and a dark accent who will be sporting a bow tie picturing all of America’s most erotic Presidents of the 19th Century. He will tell you exactly where you can find that precious thing you lost and, in return, you must compose a lengthy poem about the impossible journey of butterflies which meets with his approval, otherwise you will never be able to harness the power of electricity for your personal use ever again. Acronyms will be particularly disturbing during February, so watch what you abbreviate during that month.
Entertainment comes in the form of a spring-loaded, lubricated umbrella.
Your lucky word: Puberty.
Your lucky number: I swear she was 18, honest!
Scorpio (October 24th to November 22nd)
A phone call from that “special someone” will cause you to urinate involuntarily during a snowstorm this month. You should avoid snowmen, because one single frown for a snowman will make vegetables in your fridge become tasteless and maroon. Precautions are best taken by those Scorpios who read horror stories, but even the most cautious Scorpios will not be able to stop representatives of the Government entering your house and removing your electrical goods. It will happen to you all whether you like it or not, so best not resist. Or ask for ID. In fact, just leave your door unlocked, it’ll make it easier for me. I mean, them.
Intrigue will come in the form of a convicted pervert currently residing in the Outer Hebrides.
Your lucky word: Paedo.
Your lucky number: 19. 19. N-n-n-n-n-n-19.
Sagittarius (November 23rd to December 22nd)
As Mercury is in Uranus this month, Sagittarians can look forward to great fortune, cheap pasta and successful long-distance copulation during the first three hours of sunlight on the fifth day of the thirteenth month of next year. Probably. Unfortunately, this will also herald exceedingly pungent feet, for which ingesting segments of chocolate orange will provide the only cure – of sorts. You will have a violent argument with a close friend about the volume of the television tomorrow and only one of you will survive the altercation, I’m afraid. Make sure that it’s you by concealing a firearm upon your person. Don’t worry about the police – the all-knowing, majestic Venus has that all covered.
Spiritual enlightenment comes in the form of a Jade Goody workout DVD.
Your lucky word: Procrastination.
Your lucky number: Ed Balls.
Capricorn (December 23rd to January 20th)
Hey Capricorns! You’re the luckiest of all the star signs because Jesus was a Capricorn and only good things happened to him! Although your life is a bit rubbish at the moment, don’t be down in the dumps because your luck will change in the second week of February when your spiritual guide, a peanut in the form of a peanut, will give you advice that you simply cannot afford to ignore! This month is a very, very, very, very, very good time to get a new job, so whatever job you’re doing right now, just quit. That’s right – quit right now! When better? Don’t worry about your finances, The Moon is in orbit of the Earth and the Earth is in orbit of The Sun, so I’m sure the planets will look after all of your concerns there. Reading and believing your horoscope today will lead to massive gullibility and financial ruin, so ensure this doesn’t happen to you by not reading this.
Mystery comes in the form of a ginger pubic hair on the soap, when nobody in the household is a redhead.
Your lucky word: Faeces.
Your lucky number: The Foxtrot.
Tired of waiting for Mystic Veg’s monthly column? Are you a complete moron? Why not run up your phone bill horribly and get a daily dose of utterly meaningless bollocks by calling 0956 555 1234 and hear what the stars have in store for you! Calls cost £2.50 per second and the call length is in excess of four days. All proceeds d0 not go to a reputable charity. All rights reserved, apart from yours, as you have none whatsoever if you’re stupid enough to call.