Ask Auntie Clarkson

Dear Auntie Clarkson,

I’ve been married to my lovely, devoted wife, Betty, for twenty five years and have never had any cause to think that she has been anything but faithful to me. However, yesterday I came home early from work just in time to see a handsome man I’d never seen before walking his dog past my house. When I went into my home, my wife just happened to be in bed with the ‘flu. Am I being paranoid in thinking that she may have had a hot and steamy affair with that man and that she contracted the viral symptoms as a cunning alibi? What should I do? Help!

Derek, Ramsgate.
 

ooOOoo

Auntie Clarkson says;

Oh Derek, Derek, Derek. Hell yeah, she might be cheating on you. Of course, if you ask her, she’ll probably deny it and tell you that you’re being silly. Don’t listen to her. Don’t give her the benefit of the doubt. Don’t even let it cross your mind that she’s telling the truth, because it’s a slight possibility that she isn’t. Has she got a cat or a dog? Kill it. Write a suicide note with the pet‘s blood, then kill yourself. That’ll teach her to be unfaithful to you. Bitch.

Hope that has helped!

ooOOoo

Dear Auntie Clarkson,

I’m 53. I’ve been a safe driver and a law-abiding citizen for all of my life, but I’ve been a bit silly and let my concentration slip, getting caught by a speed camera doing 37mph in a 30mph zone. It’s really annoyed me because I’m normally careful to keep to the speed limit but, because I’d just had an argument with the wife, I was thinking about that instead of keeping my speed down. Of course, it’s my fault entirely, but is there anything I can do to present the mitigating circumstances to the court and keep my clean license? Yours hoping,

Simon, Cardiff.

ooOOoo

Auntie Clarkson says;

Those fucking wankers. Why aren’t they out catching real criminals, like muggers, rapists and MPs instead of trapping innocent motorists with their big brother bloody speed cameras? I’ll tell you why, it’s because it’s such a money maker. The Chief of Police doesn’t holiday in Skegness, does he? No, it’s Barbados, four times a year – on the money made from speed cameras. I blame the immigrants. I don’t know why, I just do. Anyway, Simon, this is what I’d do. I’d get a baseball bat, go to the speed camera and then smash the living shit out of it. That’ll teach the bastards. After that, go home and “sort the wife out” for making you speed in the first place, if you know what I mean. Bitch.

Safe motoring in future!

ooOOoo

Dear Auntie Clarkson,

I’m a 16-year old virgin and my 20-year old boyfriend is pressurising me for sex. I think I love him, but I really can’t be sure. We’ve only been together for a week. He says that if I don’t have sex with him, then there are plenty of “bitches” out there who will. I really don’t know what to do. Please help me.

Jill, Reading.

ooOOoo

Auntie Clarkson says;

16 and still a virgin? Bloody hell, Jill, what are you, frigid or something? Your boyfriend is right, there are plenty of girls out there who will give him what he needs if you don’t. Nobody likes a prick tease, love. You’ve known him for a week, if you don’t know now, you never will. All your mates are doing it, the kids in the years below you at school are doing it, why shouldn’t you? Just make sure you use a condom. Unless he does you up the bum, in which case it doesn’t really matter. Your boyfriend seems like a nice, patient man – he’s waited this long, after all! He must have balls like watermelons! Why not just give him what he wants – you may even enjoy it, although that’s not really important.

Have fun!

ooOOoo

Dear Auntie Clarkson,

You’re a sore headed, bigoted, misogynist – and you’re probably not even a woman, are you?

Laura, Cambridge.

ooOOoo

Auntie Clarkson says;

I don’t know what you mean, dearie. Don’t worry, I get lots of hate mail from men-hating lesbians like you, so you haven’t dissuaded me from my “tell it like it is” style. Quite the opposite in fact. Try men for a change, love, although you’ll probably have to put a bag on your head first. Still, you don’t look at the mantelpiece while you’re stoking the fire!

Thanks for writing!

ooOOoo

 

Got a problem you need Auntie Clarkson to help you with? For a sympathetic, helpful response, write to someone else, but if you want ill-advised, outdated advice, write to: Auntie Clarkson, c/o Jeremy Clarkson, Top Gear Studios, BBC, London.

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About A.D.S.

You are reading the musings of a music-obsessed forty-something who was brought up on The Beatles, lived through Britpop and now spends his time in pursuit of the best music around. This 'blog gives me an outlet to write about the huge number of albums I buy and the many gigs I go to. All of the opinions expressed are my own and if you don't agree with me, then I understand - music is a very personal thing. I like to receive comments, especially if they're nice ones.
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