The answer to all of today’s problems isn’t religion, television, meditation or sports. For the solution to all of life’s little stresses, your financial worries or interpersonal relationship conundrums, you have to look no further than Beef Dripping.
Yes! Beef Dripping can do for you what it did for me! It is a healthy, nutritious foodstuff, it can make your car or motorbike shine with the light of a thousand glow-worms, it can act as a cost-effective and sensual oil when heated gently for a massage which will wash all of your tensions away and it can also be used as a highly erotic adult lubricant – if you know what I’m saying, ladies and gents!
Surprise your loved ones – send them a 5lb tub of Beef Dripping as a thoughtful birthday or Christmas gift! Watch their happy faces as they get what they’ve been dreaming about perhaps their whole lifetime! In fact, why wait until those special occasions? Be inventive and give a Beef Dripping Easter Egg, with lovely drippy goodness inside – perfect for the kids! Stuck for what to give for a retirement present? How about a nice Beef Dripping fob watch or testicle holder? Friend or relative in hospital? Cheer them up after that triple heart bypass operation with our extra special 25lb barrel of prime Texas Beef Dripping, with extra hoof!
Why wait until it snows? Send the children out with an industrial-sized bucket of pure, wholesome Beef Dripping and they can build their own “snow” man (or woman, let’s not be sexist here!), which will last come rain or shine. Well, not shine, but definitely rain. Shine may cause problems and slight melting. It may also attract all their neighbourhood dogs, but – hey! – who doesn’t love dogs, right? In fact, if you want a dog of your own, build a Beef Dripping “snow” man (or woman!) and then lie in waiting with a large net and a big cardboard box (with holes in!). Please be careful not to ensnare fat children attracted to the Beef Dripping, angry parents can get punchy or, even worse, stabby.
Remember – if you love them, give them Beef Dripping!
* THIS MESSAGE WAS BROUGHT TO YOU AND PAID FOR, IN INSTALMENTS, BY THE BEEF DRIPPING ADVISORY COUNCIL OF LIBYA. EXCESSIVE (OR EVEN LIGHT) CONSUMPTION OF BEEF DRIPPING CAN CAUSE HARDENING OF THE ARTERIES, HEART ATTACKS, RAPE, MURDER, BUGGERY, INCEST, BOTULISM AND LIGHT DEATH. ENJOY BEEF DRIPPING RESPONSIBLY BUT NEVER ALONE. FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, NEVER ALONE!!! N.B. BEEF DRIPPING MAY NOT CONTAIN BEEF AND MAY ALSO NOT DRIP. READ THE LABEL. DO NOT WASH OVER 40 DEGREES. ALL RIGHTS RESERVED. 18.9% A.P.R. TYPICAL. SERVING SUGGESTION: ON A PLATE, DICKHEAD. I AM A LINEMAN FOR THE COUNTY. YOU WERE WORKING AS A WAITRESS IN A COCKTAIL BAR, WHEN I MET YOU. AND AFTER ALL, YOU’RE MY WONDERWALL. ALL THESE HITS AND MORE IF YOU TURN ON THE FUCKING RADIO. ARE YOU STILL READING? IF SO, WHY? HAVE YOU GOT NOTHING BETTER TO DO THAN TO READ THIS SMALL PRINT? I BET YOU DON’T READ THE SMALL PRINT WHEN YOU BUY SOMETHING IMPORTANT LIKE CAR INSURANCE OR WHEN YOU’RE UPDATING YOUR iTUNES ACCOUNT, SO WHY ARE YOU READING THIS CRAP? GO AWAY! STOP READING! STOP READING THIS NOW! REALLY? YOU’RE STILL READING? IF YOU READ ANY FURTHER, I’M GOING TO WRITE SOMETHING COMPLETELY OFFENSIVE. HONESTLY. DON’T THINK I WON’T. ARE YOU STILL HERE? REALLY? BLOODY HELL. WELL, YOU ASKED FOR IT. YOU WOULDN’T LISTEN. SO, HERE IT IS. YOU DESERVED THIS, YOU REALLY DID… POO POO WEE WEE! *