Once upon a time in a land far, far away (possibly Cumbria) there lived a little girl called Little Red Riding Hood. One day, Red Riding Hood was given a basket of goodies to take to her Grandma’s house which was in the middle of a deep, dark magical forest. Red sweetly requested a taxi, but her Mother, claiming to not be made of bleedin’ money, told her to get some bloody exercise and walk for a change. Red skipped out of the house, leaving her Mother muttering something about lazy bitches, and headed into the enchanted forest. Once she got a little way into the forest, Little Red Riding Hood began to become a little scared at how dense the trees were and how dark they made the path, so she sat down and decided to smoke one of Grandma’s cigarettes to calm her nerves, snacking on the tube of Pringles Mother had lovingly packed for her. She opened everything Mother had placed carefully in the basket for Grandma and scoffed every little last morsel, hungrily consuming everything apart from a tube of something called KY Jelly which didn’t taste particularly good.
Suddenly, from out of nowhere, a shadowy figure emerged from behind the trunk of a mighty oak. Red screamed, “It’s the big bad wolf!”. The wolf, visibly hurt, shook his head and sat down on a nearby log. “Talk about prejudice!”, the wolf exclaimed, “Here I am, minding my own business, walking through the forest my family have occupied for generations and then I get verbally assaulted by some scarlet trailer trash hussy with a cigarette in one hand and a handful of Pringles in the other… and she has the audacity to call me bad!” Red Riding Hood blinked. “But… don’t you want to eat me?” she stammered. “Eat you?”, spat the wolf, “Again with the stereotyping! I‘ll have you know that I‘m a vegan! Unless you’re an unusually intelligent lentil who has just found the power of speech, I have no interest in consuming you. Good day!” The wolf raised his nose haughtily in the air and walked off in the direction of the nearest Whole Foods store in search of some decent cut-price tofu.
“Well!” exclaimed Red, “That’s fucked that story right up.”