The trembling avocado clung to the stricken banana like a smart (but seedy) businessman would to an inexpensive (but cheery) prostitute. Fruit had never been sent to war before, so they were understandably scared. The Mexican military top brass saw them as entirely expendable and they knew it – their tasty juice was going to be scattered across the land. The cherries would have been quaking in their boots, had they been able to wear any, but they could only fit into flip-flops. No member of the 34th Fruit Infantry knew where they were being sent but all of them feared that they would be part of a tasty salad for those dastardly Canadians to quaff emphatically. It just wasn’t fair.
It all started in Mexico in 1966 – that was when Jerome Gillfrapp, the mild-mannered hippy, accidentally blew marijuana smoke into Juan Nil’s moustache, dislodging it slightly so it lay at a jaunty 45 degree angle. Juan Nil, mightily perplexed, threw a rather sharp tortilla chip at Jerome, hitting him squarely in the eyeball. Jerome, overcome with rage, decided there and then to declare war on Mexico and their tortillas of mass destruction. His country – The People’s Republic of Norway – wasted no time in backing Jerome to the hilt, also persuading their closest allies, Canada, to join their struggle against the country largely responsible for producing dangerously pointed corn snacks.
The world trembled (apart from America, which didn’t give a shit) as the combined might of Norway and Canada threatened to wreak destruction on the planet – nobody, not even the United Nations, wanted to tackle the Moose army assembled… and the Mexicans were no exception. They surrendered immediately before any hoofs, antlers or Maple syrup bazookas could see action – but, sadly, no-one told the Fruit Infantry. They parachuted behind enemy lines and straight into a Tapas bar… well, they didn’t stand a chance. The avocados were guacamole in little to no time, the limes were squeezed into tasty Margueritas and the pineapples, kiwis, melons, oranges and, well the rest of the army (I haven’t got all day to go on listing fruit, you know!) just got completely bladdered on strong tequila and took lots of drugs supplied by the cartels.
The moral of this story: You can’t teach old dogs new tricks, but you can put them down when they start losing bowel control. It’s sad, but a fact of life.
Also, toilet paper on Easter Sunday? Blasphemy!!!