Hi, my name is Dr. Zanzibar P. Spondulicks and I’m here to talk to you about Positive Thinking. Now I know what you’re thinking, but – no – I don’t want any money from you, I guarantee that I will not ask you for a penny – this seminar is completely free! Apart from a small cheque for fifty pounds after the talk, that is. You see, the trick to positive thinking is to always thinking positively. Instead of thinking of negative numbers like -5, think of positive numbers, like 23. You see – you’ve started thinking positively already! Now, has anyone here lost a loved one recently? You have, madam? Well, where was the last place you last saw him because you ought to look down the side of the sofa, that’s where my keys usually are… Where? The cemetery? Oh – he’s dead, I see. Well, in that situation, just imagine that your husband is still alive… when you make a cup of tea – make two as if he was still alive – then go into the lounge, drink both cups of tea – hey presto, more tea than normal, you don’t have to put up with his moaning and farting, plus you get to watch exactly what you want on television! Positive thinking! Look, ladies and gentlemen, she’s crying with happiness… she’s thinking positively, the Zanzibar P. Spondulicks way!
Another technique of positive thinking is alcohol. Now, you’re feeling depressed, life seems worthless – just go out and buy a couple of bottles of wine. Drink them quite rapidly and you’ll feel marvellous! Don’t believe all this rubbish about alcohol being a depressant, the world will seem wonderful when you’re drunk… ugly people will seem attractive, dreary comedies on the television will seem funny, you’ll get the irresistible urge to call people to tell them you love them… you’re not only happy yourself, you’re spreading the happiness! Believe me, people will welcome your incoherent, slurring phone calls and take your declaration of love in the spirit in which it was intended – people always have for me… and I’ve only ever got seven court injunctions out on me and had my telephone disconnected twice. Positive thinking through alcohol – another patented Zanzibar method!
The final secret I am going to share with you in this, possibly my last seminar before I retire at the age of 28 on my vast earnings to the Bahamas, is to make other people unhappy. This will make you feel sensational and create the most positive thinking you will ever experience! Tell a married woman that her husband is cheating on her – and then comfort her as a friend. If you’re female then she will appreciate your sisterhood and you will have a new best friend for life. If you’re male then she’ll probably sleep with you to get revenge on her husband… this has personally worked for me many, many times. Of course, you don’t know whether the husband is having an affair or not, but he probably is, let’s face it, men are scum, I know I am, so don’t let guilt spoil your positive thinking – or sex.
So there you have it – positive thinking the Zanzibar P. Spondulicks way… wine is available in the foyer on the way out priced at £20 per bottle, there’s a rather fruity Bulgarian Red or a Greenland White… they’re both fairly unpleasant, but they carry the Zanzibar P. Spondulicks 15% alcohol content guarantee, so a few bottles of the magic jollop will make you think so positively you will literally wet yourself with satisfaction! You also get a £2 discount when you buy a case, so buy as much happiness as you can carry and save, save, save! Anyway, ladies and gentlemen, you’ve been a wonderful seminar group, goodbye and remember – think positively positive the Zanzibar P. Spondulicks way!
Now, my dear… yes, you, with the big… smile… you do know your husband is probably cheating on you, don’t you…?