Residents of Grimsby have been instructed to stay indoors as a plague of killer Budgerigars have taken over the city’s skies and streets. Driven by a thirst for blood and hell-bent on revenge for years of captivity, the evil budgies have been described by The Grimsby Chief Of Police, Pat O’Butter, as ‘Uppity little buggers’. Residents who have millet, seed, tiny little bells or sand-sheets in their homes are most at risk, experts say, and those who have parrots are warned not to let them free as they are likely to side with the brightly-coloured psychopaths. The sea around Grimsby has been swept clean of cuttlefish as the winged assassins sharpen their beaks ready for the ultimate battle.
The town’s Mayor, Fergus Tanktop, has attempted to negotiate with the budgies’ leader, a green coloured brute known only as ‘Joey’, but talks broke down when the mayor would not agree to stop calling Joey a ‘pretty boy’. He offered the following advice. “If you are attacked by budgies, attempt to distract them with small ladders, mirrors with bells on them and small imitation plastic budgies on springs – you may also wish to try to placate them either whistling or by offering them little bits of apple – but if that doesn’t work, just run… run for your motherfucking lives!”
When pressed for a more organised and useful response to the threat and asked whether the town had plans to do something to protect it’s residents, Mayor Tanktop replied that of course a major seaside town like Grimsby had a contingency plan for such an event. When asked for specifics the Mayor leaned in closer, looked both ways furtively, cleared his throat, raised his eyebrow five times, smiled backwards and replied, “Rocket powered laser cats!”
*MORE NEWS TO FOLLOW*
*ACTUALLY, THERE ISN’T*
“I’ve never trusted budgies. Dirty bastard commies, the lot of ’em. Hanging is too good for them. Bring back the rope!” – S. Ballbag, Clitheroe.
“This never would have happened if the Queen Mum was alive, Gawd bless ‘er!” – L. J. Baldry, Horsham.
“I have absolutely nothing to say on this matter. Apart from the fact that I blame the immigrants.” – N. Griffin, London.
“I like Doctor Who, Crowded House and rabbits, but I don’t like budgies. They’re all feathery and evil.” – M. Baker, Epsom.
“We should defend ourselves. Where is the Dunkirk spirit? What would dear old Churchill have done? Nodded his head and said ‘oh yes’ a lot, I suppose, but, still! Blimey! Let’s show the bastards! Let’s get some electric tennis rackets and show these multicoloured terrorists how we roll! Big style! With knobs on!” – T. Henman, Wimbledon.
“Gosh! Er… mmm… well, yes!” – H. Grant, Notting Hill.
“GAZEBO!!!” – Great Uncle Teacup, Chichester.