I am very sad to report that yesterday, the 2rd July, 2011, Sir Randolph Teapot passed away at the age of 108 in his stately home in Streatham, leaving behind five wives – the glamorous Lady Stardust (75), the hippy-ish Lady Lay (52), the rather niffy Lady Compost (49), the playful Lady Kylie (25) and the obnoxious, talentless Lady Ca-Ca (16). Fifty-eight children, all called Melvyn, succeed him as does his beloved pot-bellied pig called ‘Lethargy’. Sir Randolph died of complications from plastic surgery. Despite pleas from his medical advisors, Randolph insisted on increasing his bra size from a 36A to a 36DD and, despite the bags of turnips he strapped to his back in order to provide a counter-balance, his frail heart could not take it – especially when coupled with the workout he received daily from his personal trainer, Alfred Sodbucket.
Conceived with anger and with the faint aroma of pickled eggs floating around the room, Randolph was born the son of a small working-class goat in April 1903. The exact date is not known, but his mother was sure that it was during happy-hour at ‘The Green Man’ in Putney. Indeed, the first photograph of Randolph depicts the newly-born genius with a bottle of Gordon’s Gin and a green olive wedged firmly up his left nostril. Randolph grew up, earning his keep as a drip tray, gaining sustenance from the beer careless barmaids spilled onto him although he was breast-fed until the age of 17 by all of the pub’s regulars including, at one point, The Queen Mother.
Randolph left ‘The Green Man’ a strapping young midget at the age of 22, returning only to get dressed when it became clear that nakedness was not acceptable in the 1920s. He spent the next few years attempting to swim the River Thames without getting his feet wet and gave up when it became apparent that it would never freeze over by blowing cold air onto it. He then gained employment as a park bench in Green Park in 1926 and remained there throughout the Second World War, having several tempestuous affairs with a waste-paper basket, a squirrel and, most controversially, a copy of The Bible.
His lucky break came when the Editor of ‘The Times’ was sitting on him, enjoying a cheese salad roll and, although the Editor of the Times whipped him soundly for having the impertinence to actually speak, the conversation goes down as perhaps the most important in English history. Randolph explained to Lord Mervyn Rhino-Pervert (after whom all of his subsequent children were named) about his visions of portable skyscrapers and how they would one day become the solution to the eternal dilemma on where to house the filthy working classes. Wildly excited, Mervyn Rhino-Pervert bankrolled young master Teapot’s idea and formed the company ‘The Portable Skyscraper Company’ (even now, the fifth largest company in Stockport) making Randolph a joint-partner and also giving him the uneaten bit of his cheese salad roll, which he ate with relish. Although it could have been chutney.
Although predominantly known for portable skyscrapers, Sir Randolph Teapot’s other achievements include;
- Discovering The Beatles
- Being the first man to eat twelve tennis racquets without the aid of Worcester sauce
- Inventing the laminated doughnut
- Cooking the Danish Royal family in record time
- Teaching the elderly to eat water
- Molesting hotdogs without the aid of soap
- Being knighted in 1964 for services to fish
- Jumping the grand canyon on a bison
- Inventing the year 1958
- Taking the virginity of Charlotte Church and then not phoning her the next day
- Invading and conquering the Isle Of Wight armed with nothing but a snooker cue and obscenities
- Being the first Englishman to fart and burp at the same time
- Presenting ‘Wheel Of Fortune’ for two years
- Turning George Michael gay
- Managing the England football team in 1970-1974 and
- Being the first man to be arrested for attempting to impersonate Great Uncle Bulgaria during Wimbledon.
A remarkable man, a remarkable life. The funeral will be held on Saturday at 10:00am at The Church Of Latter-day Lunatics, St. Ratchet’s Road, Streatham, London, SW15 2FU. The vicar will be a special guest, the reverend Leslie Grantham. In his last will and testament, Sir Teapot has requested that anyone attending his funeral to please dress as Jedward, using bison semen as hair-gel, clutching a bucket of either hamsters or gerbils, whichever are in season. The wake will be held afterwards at ‘Caesars’ nightclub on Streatham High Road – a full running buffet will be provided – if you can catch it. The family request that no flowers are sent, instead that donations are given to Dot Cotton from off of the telly.