Chavfest 2011!

CHAVFEST 2011 – PRESS RELEASE!

Chav Promotions, in association with Pot Noodle and  Primark are proud to present the first annual Chavfest, 2011!

Location

Sunday, 24th August, 2011, from 10.00 until late, in the Lidl car park, New Addington, Croydon.

The Concept

Cutting edge entertainment for all of the extended family, wannabe gangstas and three-legged dogs on a day when there’s usually nothing on the telly apart from The Simpsons on Sky One.  Chavfest! provides something for everyone with all tastes catered for, as long as you have none.

Dress Code

All ladies must wear clean leggings, through which the outline of underwear must be clearly visible.  Hoop earrings must be at least 2″ in diameter.  Skin must be hideously orange.  Men must wear jeans which start halfway down their arse and have completely shaved or ultra-short hair, alternatively cornrows or dreadlocks. Stupid pattern or word shaved into hair preferable. No bare chests (20% coverage by tattoos acceptable).  No trainers costing under £100 to be worn.  Nobody with mobile phones costing under £200 will be admitted to the site and said phones must be blaring out nasty, tinny, indistinguishable but unmistakably aggressive rap music.   Proof of entitlement to benefits must be shown.

Top Attractions

  • Virtual Jeremy Kyle Studio – pretend you’re on the great man’s show by visiting our realistic simulation!  DNA tests only five notes.
  • Kick The Paedo’s Head In! – Some random loner with learning difficulties from the local estate will be branded a “paedo” and festival goers pay a quid (or however much shrapnel is in your sky rocket) for five minutes kicking the shit out of the poor sod.
  • Guess The Weight Of The Obese Child – The fattest kid in the local primary school will be on display in a perspex box – punters will try to guess how heavy he is.  The closest guess to the real weight will win a year’s supply of Domino’s Pizza!  Yes, that’s a large pizza every night for 365 days!
  • Hunt The Immigrant – Chav Promotions have rounded up a bunch of illegals outside Apollo House in Croydon and enticed them into our van with the promise of a cash in hand job… well they’ve got a job now – to avoid being shot with air rifles!  Just a tenner to spend half-an-hour hunting malnourished foreigners who have travelled to this country in search of a better life in a mile square enclosure!  For an extra squid you can take your dog in too and then they won’t need feeding that night, innit!
  • Who’s Your Daddy? – A special game show type attraction which costs a copy of The Sun to enter.  Lots of good time single Mums have been good enough to bring their kids along, together with the photographs of at least a dozen potential fathers.  Contestants are allowed to ask the slapper three questions each about the circumstances of the conception and then have to guess who the real father is, which will be revealed by special DNA tests.  The contestant who guesses correctly wins the choice of a day paintballing with Ross Kemp or an afternoon’s casual misogyny with Jeremy Clarkson!  Games run every hour throughout the day!

Top Celebs!

Making guest appearances throughout the day will be Preston and Chantelle from Big Brother, Brian from Big Brother (the black geezer, not the gay one), Danny Dyer from various shit projects, Cher Lloyd off of X-Factor, the cast of TV’s The Only Way Is Essex, Stacey Solomon from I’m A Celebrity, Get Me Out Of Here, Katie Price and whichever mug she happens to be engaged to that week and the reigning Queen of chavs, Kerry Katona!  Hide the cocaine and burgers, innit!

Sponsors’ Stalls

Chavfest! wouldn’t happen without our wonderful sponsors, so there will be stalls promoting and giving freebies away from all of your favourite products and services, such as;

  • Ladbrokes
  • William Hill
  • Betfred
  • Coral
  • The Pitbull & Rottweilers’ Owners Club
  • Trampstamp!  Croydon’s Premier Tattoo Parlour
  • The CSA
  • Claire’s Accessories
  • OK! Magazine
  • Heat Magazine
  • Kenley Fried Chicken
  • Remove-An-Ex!  Croydon’s Premier Tattoo Removal Clinic

Music Tent

We had the best of local and national chav talent, with sets from renowned artists including;

  • N-dubz
  • DJ Burberry ft. Shanice
  • DJ Primark
  • DJ Happymeal
  • DJ Roll-up
  • DJ DJ and the DJs

…and many, many more violent, aggressive choons with some geezer shouting over it.

Food Tent

Catering for the inaugural event will be provided by only the finest of caterers, such as;

  • Gregg’s The Bakers
  • Maccy D’s
  • Feasters Microwave Burgers
  • Stavros’ Kebab Kingdom, Purley
  • McCain’s Microchips

Drinks Tent

Chavfest! is completely licensed and have even paid the local filth a few hundred notes each to turn a blind eye, innit, so we can sell loads of your favourite loopy juice which we got from ASDA’s with a few more of your choice chemicals.  Sick!  

On da menu:  Stella (£1 a can), Lambrini (£1 a pint), White Lightning (£1 a bottle), 20/20 (£1.50 a bottle, all flavours), ASDA Vodka (35p a shot), Blue Pop For The Kiddies (only 5% alcohol – 20p a plastic cup), Spliffs (good shit, £2 each), Pills (price on application, see Weasel, behind the wheeliebins).

You are asked to be environmentally conscious and to not just throw away your empty bottles.  Make sure you make the most of them and either use them to glass each other when you get pissed or, simply, just throw them at police cars and leg it.  Please drink responsibly and don’t spill any, innit.  That shit’s expensive, bruv, know what I mean?

Kids Korner

You won’t be able to get out of your box with the kids hanging around so we shut them in a like, a massive cage, innit, and give them loadsa shit to play wiv.  Our creative team have lovingly re-created a typical council estate’s playground complete with;

  • Swings – most of which are broken with the seat hanging off
  • A climbing frame with rusty edges
  • A roundabout which makes a god-awful screeching sound when it turns
  • Hard concrete to make sure every time they fall over, they know about it!
  • Broken glass
  • Dog shit
  • A few used needles that the kiddies can play darts with
  • A few winos stinking up the only bench
  • A dead fox with plenty of sticks provided to poke it with
  • A used condom on the play equipment
  • A group of menacing teenagers hanging around
  • A genuine paedo in the bushes fiddling with himself
  • A small patch of grass

Other Attractions

There is a fully equipped games tent with X-Box live, Nintendo Wii and other games systems with the most violent, repulsive, gory games you can imagine.  Feel free to drop off your toddlers here while you browse the rest of the site.  There are also at least two toilets, one of which is guaranteed to have toilet roll in it for at least the first twenty minutes of the festival, plus a carrier bag full of KFC handwipes to wash your hands afterwards.  There will be a first aid tent, where you can go to hurl up after too much booze and pills – plus a mobile magistrate’s court so you can be processed and fined on site instead of tiresome visits to the cop shop after slapping some mug who was dissing you!

How To Get To Chavfest!

Right, you can get the Croydon Tramlink to New Addington, yeah, but watch out for the revenue protection inspectors because they’re all arseholes who mug you off.  Best get your mate to bring you in his uninsured old deathtrap of a car because it has a banging sound system and he can drive well good when he’s pissed, even though he’s only got a provisional license, yeah?  If he’s banged up, then you may have to get the bus, but make sure you only travel on the top deck, right at the back, and you smoke whilst talking and swearing loudly. Make sure you verbally abuse and physically threaten anyone who is stupid enough to complain, ‘cos you aint doing nothing wrong, innit?

We’ll see you there, blud!

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About A.D.S.

You are reading the musings of a music-obsessed forty-something who was brought up on The Beatles, lived through Britpop and now spends his time in pursuit of the best music around. This 'blog gives me an outlet to write about the huge number of albums I buy and the many gigs I go to. All of the opinions expressed are my own and if you don't agree with me, then I understand - music is a very personal thing. I like to receive comments, especially if they're nice ones.
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