Now, most sane people in the world know that Sultanas are nasty, horrible little things, but some people persist in eating them, despite all evidence pointing to the fact that they’re utterly disgusting and completely evil. Out of the goodness of my heart and in the interest of making the world a better place to live in, I have decided to try to help these poor misguided souls by compiling ten essential facts they should most definitely know about Sultanas.
- The word “Sultana” is derived from the Ancient Egyptian phrase for “Fuck me, that’s disgusting”, famously coined by Queen Cleopatra herself after she tried one for the first time.
- Many people believe that Sultanas are dried grapes, but that is a complete lie. Unfortunately, that is what the people selling them want you to believe, because if people knew the truth then nobody would buy them. They’re actually made from a species of giant Satanic slug which can be found on British cauliflowers and cabbages. Plentiful in numbers, the Sultana Slugs are collected, chopped up and freeze-dried ready to be served to thousands of unsuspecting people each day in their cakes, desserts and lunch boxes.
- Sultanas remain undigested in your intestines for up to seven years and slow-release essence of pure evil into your bloodstream for all of the time they are present in your body. Indeed, independent tests have shown that people who regularly eat Sultanas are likely to be 84% more evil than those who don’t. 84%!
- Don’t believe that Sultanas are evil? Then how come data shows that Sultanas are the most requested last snack of convicted rapists, murderers and parking fine evaders on death row in U.S. prisons? It has also been discovered, after intensive research, that 100% of people given Sultanas to eat as children will end up in prison at some point in their life!
- Sultanas are famously known to be the favourite snacking food of such evil monsters as Osama bin Laden, Josef Fritzl, Fred West, Jeffrey Dahmer, Rupert Murdoch and James Blunt. Indeed, the staff of the recently closed News Of The World newspaper in the UK were the country’s number one corporate consumers of Sultanas! Furthermore, Justin Bieber, Rebecca Black, Miley Cyrus, Britney Spears and Jedward’s parents were all eating Sultanas on the night they conceived their evil offspring.
- In the 1970s and 1980s, British people mistakenly put Sultanas in curries, believing that was a way to make them authentic. Nothing could be further from the truth – it is a serious crime in India! In fact, if Indian chefs were to commit the heinous crime of adding Sultanas to their curry, then they would be face death by stoning or, even worse, being banished for life to Luton.
- It is a blessing that the Second World War ended when it did. In 1945, top German scientists were working on “Super Sultanas” which, although only slightly bigger than a regular Sultana, contained a much higher concentration of pure evil. Just before the war was won, Hitler was preparing to flood the European market with special Strudels containing Super Sultanas which would make the whole of Europe as evil as the famous Sultana lover, Adolph Hitler, and the cause of good would have surely been defeated forever!
- Oddly enough, one of Hitler’s allies, the Japanese, are terrified of Sultanas! Indeed, if you leap out of a dark alleyway armed with a large bag of Sultanas, shouting “BANZAI!!” at the top of your voice, even the largest, bravest, toughest Japanese person will scream and run away. Please note, this will not work in the United States of America. Such actions are likely to result in you being called a “dumb-ass motherfucker” and being either stabbed or shot. Or both.
- Sultanas kill cats and dogs. Until recently, vets believed that they caused renal failure. In actual fact, the pets are overwhelmed by the essence of pure evil and their innocent system just cannot cope with evil like humans are able to.
- The only proven safe way to eat Sultanas is in Hot Cross Buns. Scientific studies have shown that the symbolic bun, with the malevolent Sultana inside and the Holy Cross on the top, manages to be a perfect blend of evil and good which also tastes great toasted with butter.
If your loved ones eat Sultanas, please be sure to educate them of the facts and significant risks of doing so. Please, approach them with caution though. If they have consumed Sultanas, it may be too late for them and the evil may have already taken hold of their souls.