The Book Of Chantelle

1: In the, like, beginning, yeah, God created the heaven and the earth, which was phat, innit.

2: And the earth was, like, lame, right, because there weren’t nothing there.  Epic fail, right?

3: And God said, Let there be light: and there was light. Musta remembered to put dosh on da lecky card, innit?

4: And God saw the light, and it was well sorted, bruv! Totally sick! God, was, like, going well A and B the C of D, and divided the light from the dark! Safe.

5: And, right, God called the light Day, and the darkness he called Night. Well, duh! And the evening and the morning were the first day, now all dat’s old skool. Movin’ on…

6: And God was chattin, like on MSN, “Let there be a firmament in the midst of the waters, and let it divide the waters from the waters”. Word. No ideas what dat means, but it sounds well blingin’. What a boff.

7: And God did loads of other stuff, yeah? No point asking no questions, coz He’s like, God, man.

8: And God called the stuff Heaven, which is a bangin’ nightclub. I was, like, totally caning vodka and Red Bulls there the other night. And the evening and the morning were the second day which totally usually follows the first day? Yeah, right blud! Even I knows that.

9: And God created mobile phones with pay as you go, only He never has to, like, borrow a few notes off of his old lady to top it up cos He’s the almighty. Well unfair, innit?

10: And God called the dry land Earth; and the gathering together of the waters called da Seas: and God saw that it was slammin’.

11: And God went on, right, say “Let the earth bring forth grass, the herb yielding seed, and the fruit tree yielding fruit after his kind, whose seed is in itself, upon the earth”: and it was so. This bit is well sound ‘cos I knows all about da herb, you know what I mean, blud?

12: And the earth brought forth grass, and herb yielding seed after his kind, and the tree yielding fruit, whose seed was in itself, after his kind: and God saw that it was good. I’m totally sure I just read this bit. I’m well Must be all da herbs, right? You knows it! I’m right mashed most days!

13: And the evening and the morning were the third day… let me guess, right, next comes da fourth day? I is totally getting this, innit!

14: And God said, “Blah, blah, blah, blah”: Tell it to the hand, geezer. You’re major narking me off nows.

15: You know my bessie mate, Kylie? She so, like, copped off with Leroy da other night. Slapper. Nah, just kidding, brotha. She’s safe, totally safe.

16: And God made vodka and I’m, like, sweet! Thanks homeboy!

17: And God did load of other stuff. He’s God, so he does what a God does. Godlike stuff, like, that God does. Say no more, yeah?

18: Just to, like, make sure we know what day is and night is, He made day light and night dark. It would have been well funny if He’d have done it da other way round, yeah, that’d be, like, well bad!

19: And the evening and the morning were the fourth day. See, told ya’s all. If you snooze, you lose.

20: And God then spent a bit of time making animals like chickens, cows and stuff so we can, like, nosh KFC and Maccy D’s.

21: He then created all these other animals which aren’t tasty. I don’t really see the point of all that, right, but I ain’t gonna question God. He could turn me into a pillow of salt like Lot’s biatch and that would, like, suck big-time.

22: And God blessed them, by saying, “Go and have it off and have sex and that.” My bessie mate Kylie likes that bit, big-style! Slut! (Only messin’ Kylie, loves ya, babe).

23: And the evening and the morning were the fifth day. What, after da fourth day? You’re messin’ with me, right? God, I’m such a sarky cow sometimes.

24: And God said, “I’m well knackered after all dis creating malarkey. Anyone got any smokes?” and he, like, crashed a cheeky fag off of his homie, Gabriel.

25: After a crafty fag break, God got down to it again and, like, created loads more stuff for us to kill and eat, which is well phat, man.

26: And God said, “Let us make Eastenders, Corrie, hooped earrings, leggings, scrunchies and alcopops!”

27: So God created man in his own image, in the image of God created he him; male and female created he them. Only, I don’t think he made me Uncle Roger in his image, because he’s well disgusting and smells and that. He kept on asking me what underkeks I had on the other day. I tell you, blood, he’s a right perve. God ain’t nothing like that peedo. He’s more like Jeremy Kyle, I reckon. It’s his show, innit!

28: And God blessed them, and God said unto them, Be fruitful, and multiply, and replenish the earth, and subdue it: and have dominion over the fish of the sea, and over the fowl of the air, and over every living thing that moveth upon the earth. So eat, drink and be merry, yeah? Am I right? Am I right? Course I am. No brainer, innit?

29: And God said, “I’m well knackered, mate.” So he created Sundays and told us all to, like, watch da Eastenders Omnibus and munch big dinners and just, like, chill.

30: And God put the finishing touches on everything and that was, like, it. Safe.

31: And God saw every thing that he had made, and, behold, it was very good. Even though, right, He shouldn’t be thinkin that coz it’s a bit big headed to think what you’ve done is kickin’, even if it is. He should, like, totally ask someone and they’ll tell Him it was kickin’, because it’s, well, it’s the whole world, brotha! I mean, if you’da done that then you’d think it was well ballin’ too, so maybe you can’t blame the bloke. Laters.

About A.D.S.

You are reading the musings of a music-obsessed forty-something who was brought up on The Beatles, lived through Britpop and now spends his time in pursuit of the best music around. This 'blog gives me an outlet to write about the huge number of albums I buy and the many gigs I go to. All of the opinions expressed are my own and if you don't agree with me, then I understand - music is a very personal thing. I like to receive comments, especially if they're nice ones.
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