Pies and beer. Lots of pies and beer. That’s all they sell in that place, which isn’t at all appropriate considering it’s a school cafeteria. Have you ever tried to teach a class of thirty fourteen-year-old children quadratic equations when they’ve had an afternoon on the Stella Artois? It’s not easy, I’ll tell you that for nothing. Still, I had no business in the school anyway – I just turned up to deliver the vodka to the teachers lounge and the headmaster collared me to stand in for Mr. Mutterington, who, thanks to a Viagra-spiked cup of Gold Blend, was suffering from a very painful erection and was unable to teach – or, indeed, stand up straight. Well, I know all about children, I used to be one, so I agreed. Being a fine, upstanding citizen (which is more than can be said for Mr. Mutterington), I put on my teaching gown (OK, it was my rather stained duvet) and stepped into the fray. After the Headmaster had given me a tenner and the promise of a Big Mac after school, naturally.
It was a shaky start. The kids started to give me a hard time, so, in order to gain their respect, I chose the biggest male in the class and smashed his face in with a brick. Thankfully, that seemed to work. Knowing what to teach was also tricky. I struggled to find a textbook that hadn’t been defaced on each page with multiple penises of varying shapes and sizes by the children so, in the end, read my copy of The Daily Mail to them from cover to cover. I’m very proud to state that the kids are now experts in illegal immigration and advocate “sending them all back home”, even people who were born here. They’re also all deeply opposed to the European Union and ended up voting 89% to 11% supporting the motion that Lindsay Lohan is a shameless slapper devoid of all morality. Interestingly enough, the 11% who supported Lindsay had noticeably short skirts, which was quite worrying seeing as they were boys. After that exciting discussion, it was time for the awkward subject of sex education. I needn’t have worried, because the lesson was a complete success. I learned so much more from those kids than I dreamed possible, some of which I thought to be illegal! My wife would be delighted at all of the little tips and techniques I’ve picked up, but unfortunately I don’t have one.
In the afternoon there was a Physical Education session and the little darlings got a good work out as they played an energetic game of football. I was so proud of them – they were running so hard, their cigarettes almost fell out of their mouths. A couple even dropped their bag of chips. I let them play a few games for fun after that – mainly Blackjack and Poker. I almost lost the mortgage money, but I was able to pawn the school laptop from Cash Converters and get enough stake money to win my cash back from ‘Snide’ Clyde, the school wideboy. In fact, he ended up owing me more money than he had on him, so I had to break all of his fingers. Look, I had to. It was my moral duty to give the children valuable lessons in life and that is the kind of thing that can happen to you if you write cheques your ass can’t cash.
In the end, it was an extremely enjoyable day. If they let me, I may even come back tomorrow and the children seemed enthusiastic when I suggested it to them. Some of them even arranged to meet me later in the local pub. I think I’m in with a couple of the more forward girls, too. Yes, I believe I have found a vocation I finally enjoy which, after my many years in prison, is a real turn up for the books. I love the English state school system!