Welcome to the latest issue of the NME! The magazine where new music is all that matters and we give you the lowdown about all the hot, new, fresh, new, raw, vital, new bands that you can pretend to like so you can appear cool in front of your hip friends!
The first of these bands is Monkey See, Monkey Do, a four piece electro-indie-dub-folk-jazz band from Aberdeen. They have only performed two gigs so far, both at their local youth club, but they’re the talk of London with their uncompromising, fresh, new, fresh, vital, new sound. Like a cross between Joy Division, Bob Marley, Olly Murs and Simon & Garfunkel, they’re making old, tired acts like Jake Bugg and The Vaccines sound like they need a zimmer frame, a colostomy bag and a state pension! These guys are going to be fucking huge, mark my words. Download their essential debut EP, “One Pound Crab” from the NME website and check out those fresh, new, raw, vital, essential beats!
The NME has learned that three toddlers from a playgroup in Swansea have formed a makeshift alliance called Teacher Is A Poopy Head and their raw, fresh, uncompromising, fresh, new, raw beats are currently the talk of the South Wales music scene. Wayne Spunk, local music journo said, “I haven’t seen such raw, fresh, new talent since I saw the last raw, fresh, talented band I saw a few days ago. Such raw, fresh, talent!” I’m sure you’ll agree that they sound raw, fresh and talented, plus, with their Welsh accents, their real, provincial voices will probably be the sound of the repressed, impoverished working classes, howling out for the generations of Welsh people, betrayed by successive governments. They haven’t recorded any music, as they’re still honing their raw, uncompromising, fresh sound of toy xylophone, toy trumpet and toy drum, but when they do, you can be sure to hear it first on NME radio.
***In The News***
Elder pop statesman Dappy is to give new acts the benefit of his wisdom and experience. Washed up Dappy (real name Nigel Chalfont-Featheringstone) is travelling round the country telling young, upcoming acts the secrets of making it big in the music biz. Tips like wearing stupid hats, pulling stupid faces, appearing on music quizzes despite having the mental capacity of a guinea pig, assaulting people in petrol stations and avoiding working with badger-crazed, herbal-tea addicted ex-Beatle Brian May will all be on the agenda for Dappy’s entertaining five hour lectures, set to a contemporary beat. Tickets are available exclusively from the NME website as he kicks off his tour in Leamington Spa Pizza Hut next week, finishing in upmarket Pizza Express in Rotherham in early 2014. Don’t miss out!
Darlings of the music scene, Alt-J, are foolishly contemplating a second album. The NME says don’t do it! There has never been a decent second album by any act, ever, and they will only destroy their massive legacy by foolishly releasing any more material. If they want the NME’s advice, they should probably start to get into hard drugs, self-destruct, maybe die tragically and hopelessly young so that millions of followers can mourn them and bang on for decades about how their potential was unfulfilled. That’s how legends are made, Alt-J, not by making new music! Think of your families and the money they could make from your untimely deaths. You know it makes sense.
***What’s NOT hot!***
You know who’s shit? Everyone, apart from the bands we tell you about. Oh, and Amy Winehouse, because she’s dead and, of course, everything she did is now genius, even though we slagged her off mercilessly whilst she was alive. Falling off the “hot” radar are all the bands we told you to like last week, bands like The Tripod Lettuce, The Cod Liver Oil Experience and Bruce Willis’ Underpants. They’ve all been around for at least seven days and are now totally and utterly shit. We know that we sold you their t-shirts last week for extortionate prices and encouraged you to get those tattoos, but, honestly, anyone seen in any of those bands’ merch should probably be stoned to death on Camden High Street. In a rare occurrence, between typing the first bit of the page and now, Monkey See, Monkey Do have been declared shit by the magazine’s editor, Cathy Twunt, as it turns out that one of them has vaguely middle class parents and therefore have no authenticity. Their debut EP is now no longer on the NME website and will be replaced by “I love heroin, me“, the debut single of Kidderminster-based Garry Gonads, who looks and sounds exactly like Iggy Pop and is, therefore, fresh, new, vital and essential. As for Monkey See, Monkey Do, they can fuck off back to whatever shit Scottish shithole their talentless arses came from in the first place. Because, sorry guys, you’re just not hot!
Turn the page to read our latest article speculating on whether The Smiths will reform, although we hope they don’t, because then we won’t be able to write any more articles about how much they all hate each other. Don’t miss our reviews section on page 37 where anything new, fresh and vital gets at least 9/10 and any acts stupid enough to try to release a second album when they’re old, tired and obviously shit will be given less than 4/10.