Money Spending Expert advice column

Every week, our Money Spending Expert, the tubby, ruddy-cheeked, cockney saliva over-producer who exclaimed “Wonga!!!” on the popular adverts for Envirofone (now out of work, but attempting to get a lucrative job with the extortionate internet money lenders by saying “Wonga!!!” a lot) will be here to answer all of your financial problems. wonga_man

Dear Money Spending Expert,

My partner and I are struggling to make ends meet.  We have a six month old baby and, although we planned our child, the rising cost of living means that everything has become so much more expensive these days.  We seem to be forever running out of money towards the end of the week. I’m looking for a part-time job but that will mean additional childcare costs and my partner is stuck in a job he hates, but cannot afford to quit.  We’re already claiming child benefit and tax credits, but it’s just not enough.  It’s getting us both down, what should we do? – Cathy S., Reading.

Dear Cathy,

Blimey!  That’s a pickle, girl, and no mistake!  Still, if you choose to squeeze out kids, it’s your own stupid fault and nobody else’s. You can’t blame anyone other than yourself and you can’t expect us tax-paying mugs to bail you out, neither.  Should have kept your knees together, gal!  We didn’t ask you to bring another sprog into the world, did we?  Your choice!  You’ve made your bed, you can lie in it.  Still, if you’re running out of money at the end of the week and need more dough then you can try those nice people at who will be happy to help.  More than happy, in fact.  As soon as you use them once, you’ll find that you’ll use them all the time – because you’ll have no bloody choice, innit!  Wonga!!!

Dear Money Spending Expert,

I’m 16 years old and am lucky enough to have just started a new job which pays around £200 a week.  I’m still living at home and my parents are fairly comfortable, financially, so they don’t want any money from me.  I’m well aware that we’re living in uncertain times and want to start putting some money away for things like a deposit for a house and a car.  How much of my income should I save and where should I save it? – Josh R., Biggleswade.

Dear Josh,

Blimey!  You’re 16 years old and you’re already thinking about that kind of boring bollocks?  I bet you’re about as popular with your friends as chlamydia (which reminds me, I really must make that Doctors appointment)!  Don’t be a mug, you’ve got loads of wonga for a kid your age, go out and spend, spend, spend!  People are impressed by designer label gear and that’s not cheap, boy.  Birds aren’t going to want to know you if you’re a cheapskate and, as for saving for houses and cars, that’s stuff you can think of when you’re old and boring like your old man and old lady.  Besides, saving is a mug’s game.  People in the know always use credit to buy things like cars and, let’s face it, if your parents are minted, they will probably give you a handout to get what you want anyway.  Life is for the living and the economy is screwed, so you need to spend as much cash on the high street and help us out of this bloody recession.  Not too quick, though, because does well out of the recession and I don’t want to do myself out of a job, do I?  Wonga!!!

Dear Money Spending Expert,

I’m at the end of my tether.  My husband has a gambling addiction.  He spends all of our money on fruit machines and gambling on the horses.  He often comes home a wreck, promising again and again that he will stop gambling and will change, but he doesn’t.  I’ve threatened to leave him, but I love him and so do our three children.  It’s tearing our home apart and our kids sometimes go hungry because I haven’t the money to feed them.  Please help us, we’re desperate. – Deidre R., Weatherfield.

Dear Deidre,

Blimey!  Wind yer neck in, gal!  If a man wants to go and put a few nuggets in the fruity or have a bit of a gamble on the gee-gees, then that’s all part of being a real man.  Can’t expect a woman to understand that, but you don’t expect her to write to celebrity columns and publicise the fact.  You may as well chop his balls off! Is that what you want?  Silly cow.  Anyway, your husband is being a bit of a prat, definitely, I’ll give you that.  His problem is that he’s obviously thinking way too small!  What he needs to do is go to all of the short-term loan lenders in your town centre and get loads of loans.  Wonga!!!  He should be able to do the rounds and get about two thousand squids.  With that, he needs to make one big bet.  One massive punt, yeah?  All he needs is one 20-1 winner and he’s got enough money to live on for months.  Maybe take you and the kiddies on a nice holiday, yeah?  You know it makes sense, girl!  I know what you’re thinking – what if he loses?  Well, if it does happen, and it probably won’t, but if it does, then he takes the honourable way out and tops himself.  Not before he takes a nice life insurance policy out on himself, though.  He wins, you win.  He loses, you win! Everyone’s a winner!  Luvvly jubbly!  Wonga!!!

Dear Money Spending Expert,

Sadly, I lost my Mother a few weeks ago and she has left me a sizeable amount of money.  Close to £500,000, after inheritance tax. I’m close to retirement age, but still have a few years left before I can stop working.  I’d like your advice in the best way to invest this money, so that I make the most of my tax-free allowances, preferably in high-yield, low risk schemes.  I don’t really want this money, if I’m honest, I just want my Mother back.  Maybe I’ll appreciate it in a few years time, but at the moment, I just want to put it somewhere safe. – Barry G., Lincoln.

Dear Barry,

Blimey!  Half a million squids!  That’s some serious WONGA!!! I mean, I’m sorry you’ve lost your dear old Mum.  They’re the most important people in the world, aren’t they, our Mums?  I love my Mum.  She’s a diamond.  Can’t imagine what I’d do without her.  Putting all that sentimental nonsense aside – half a million big ones!  I’ll tell you exactly what to do, Barry, spunk it all up again the wall!  Wallop!!! It’ll make you feel much better.  Your old Mum will be smiling down on you as you buy you and your mates an executive box at West Ham, plenty of Columbian marching powder and a good looking escort to help you drown your sorrows with case after case of Krug down at some high class strip bar in East London!  I’m telling you, pal, get down Saville Row, buy a half dozen new whistles and some Pierre Cardin shirts, splash out on a classy motor like a souped-up Mondeo, treat yourself to a Nando’s a couple of times a week and make sure you get yourself away to somewhere classy like Ibiza, hit the clubs and get completely wankered.  Then, probably, spend the rest on Lotto scratchcards.  On my life, pal, It’s what I’d do!  It’s not gonna bring back your old lady, but it’ll definitely make you forget her for a while.  Wonga!!!

Dear Money Spending Expert,

Please don’t think I’m blaming you, but I took your advice from a couple of weeks ago, have used payday loans as you suggested and I’m much deeper in debt.  I don’t know what to do.  My outgoings are about twice as much as my income.  I’m crying myself to sleep at night and am seriously worried about losing my home.  What should I do?  I considering a) a low interest debt-consolidation loan b) bankruptcy or c) an IVA. Which would you recommend for my situation, Money Spending Expert?  I can’t face telling my wife about any of this.  I feel like such a failure and I think she may leave me if she learns what a state our finances are in.  Please, help me! – Giles B, Windsor.

Dear Giles,

Blimey! I can’t believe you’re crying!  What are you, some kind of poof or something?  Real men don’t cry.  OK, Ray Winstone, right, he’s a real man and he cried in Nil By Mouth (my favourite film), but that was just showing that he was at the end of his tether, wasn’t it?  He had some flat in Bermondsey and was going mental because of women and too much nose powder.  It wasn’t about some poxy problem with money.  You need to man up, sunshine, and grow a pair!  Your three options, I’ve thought about them seriously, but all of them will leave you with a lot less wonga to live on and you’ll just scrape by for up to five years.  Sounds shit, doesn’t it?  Too right.  My advice is to apply for as many credit cards as you possibly can.  What you then have to do is get loads of cash advances from them every month and pay the bill from one card with the money from another – simple!  Free money!  Wonga!!!  This way, you can live like a king for at least a year or two before you’re “maxed out” and then you can do the honourable thing of topping yourself, like a proper, responsible man would. Quite right that you didn’t tell your missus, either.  Real men don’t discuss matters like money with their wives, we just bring home the bacon!  Buy her a nice, expensive handbag to assure her that everything’s OK.  Women are daft like that.  Buy ’em a nice handbag and they’re happy.  Don’t over-do the gifts though, sunshine, or she’ll know something is up!  Get applying, Giles.  Yeah, and change your name too.  Bloody poncey name, that.  Until next time, people… keep spending that wonga!  Wonga!!!

Send your problems to the Money Spending Expert, PO Box 69, Dagenham, Essex, W0 5GA and he will attempt to provide a solution to all of your fiscal-related problems whilst always responding “Blimey!”, giving you terrible advice and then always signing off with his trademark, jovial “Wonga!!!”. 


About A.D.S.

You are reading the musings of a music-obsessed forty-something who was brought up on The Beatles, lived through Britpop and now spends his time in pursuit of the best music around. This 'blog gives me an outlet to write about the huge number of albums I buy and the many gigs I go to. All of the opinions expressed are my own and if you don't agree with me, then I understand - music is a very personal thing. I like to receive comments, especially if they're nice ones.
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2 Responses to Money Spending Expert advice column

  1. Pingback: Over production? | fogonthebrain

  2. Hi, It is one good post, thanks.

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