Daytime TV couldn’t possibly be worse, so I’ve come up with some ideas for alternative TV programmes. Just brainstorming.
Homes Under The Hamster
You take one hamster and put it on the roof of your house. That one hasn’t got past the “concept stage”.
Mash In The Attic
Take 5lbs of King Edwards, boil in lightly salted water for 25-30 and then go up to your loft to mash the bejesus out of them, with a bit of milk and butter. Mash In The Attic. Brilliant.
As Yet Untitled Project
How about a David Dickenson-hosted show where people go round local brothels in search of the cheapest vaginal intercourse. It could be called Bargain… something or other. Haven’t quite perfected the title. But it’s a winner!
Animal Hospital
Yes, there’s already a programme called Animal Hospital – but this one is different. It’s a real hospital run by Animal from The Muppets, who gets to perform violent, unnecessary surgery on unsuspecting patients using only his drumsticks, with hilarious results!
Eel Or No Eel
Contestants plunge their hands into different numbered tanks in order to be left holding the tank containing the electric eel. Losers are electrocuted – winners receive 20 Silk Cut and a copy of Razzle.
Through The Arsehole
A celebrity colonoscopy programme presented by David Frost.
The Jeremy Kyle Shoe
A daily documentary about a single parent, asbo-ridden piece of chavvy footwear.
iBarley
A kids’ programme about a precocious, enterprising ear of corn with it’s own internet show.
Wacky Racists
Adolf Hitler, Jade Goody, Oswald Mosely, Ron Atkinson and those lovable rogues the Ku Klux Klan star in a cartoon where they all compete with Jesse Owens to stop him from winning any medals in the 1936 Olympics, with hilarious results!
Nudesround
John Craven bares all in an informative current affairs programme for children and perverts.
How Clean Is Your Spouse?
Make sure you wipe properly because Kim and Aggie are donning their rubber gloves and following up complaints of poor personal hygiene from disgruntled husbands and wives!
Thongs Of Praise
Religious programme where people sing hymns in their skimpy underwear.
Mouse M.D.
Hugh Laurie stars as a grumpy, but brilliant, diagnostician who is, however, convinced that he is a small rodent.
Harry Hill’s TV Burp
“But it’s already on!” I hear you cry. Well, not when the TV stands for Transvestites who need winding by the bald-headed funnyman.
How To Cook Good Naked
Keith Chegwin gets his diminutive tackle out again to host a cookery programme that features recipies suitable for the poorly-endowed culinary nudist.
Blankety Wank
Jordan, Kerry Katona and Jade Goody’s Mum all star in this wholesome slice of family fun where celebrities get tossed off under a blanket by the ‘glamorous’ hostesses. The winner is the one who can last longest without shooting his load. The prize is a weekend in Mablethorpe with Jimmy Saville. The first contestants are Russell Brand, Wayne Rooney and Graham Norton. Norton is said to be “quietly confident”.
…and finally:
How about a new late night BBC show utilizing the latest CGI technology, where perverts get to step back in time and fulfill their prehistoric fantasies – Wanking With Dinosaurs.
I thank you. I’ll be here all week, apart from on Friday, when I shall be painting eggs.
The Album Preservation Society 