Modern proverbs you won’t find in the Bible

Spare the rod and please the fish.

Blessed are the meek – but they’re still not very good at getting girlfriends.

Judge not lest ye be judged by Simon Cowell, some Irish twat and a talentless, vacuous bint with a Geordie accent.

Radishes grow where bearded clams fear to tread.

A stitch in thyme holds your herbs firmly together.

A stitch in your pants prevent your genitals from being on public display.

Computers bring knowledge and also tiny mushrooms flavoured with ginger, if you’re lucky, like.

The foolish man spills his seed on the hand – the wise man spills his seed in the sock.

Each to their own, except when it’s naughty.  Then, you share.

It is better to have loved and to have lost than to have poured a ladle of boiling hot chilli sauce down your trousers.

Eating fish is fine until your karma tastes bad.

Reducing your outgoings often results in not having such nice things.

A cuddly toy is not always cuddly just as a frozen yoghurt is not always frozen.

Opium is the opium of the people.

Reading is the drug of all but the most powerful reptile.

Lampshades have no real use.

Ornaments cannot be licked without distasteful results unless contraception is worn externally.

Pain is relative like a relative in pain – who can say other than the one who knows what it’s like to be efficient?

Somewhere else is always a place where you are not.

Leaves are stronger than you would imagine and can bite if provoked.

Do not follow every instruction unless you have no mind of your own – and if that’s the case, borrow one from someone else.

Don’t lend someone your mind, you may never get it back.

Tropical fish are often frauds and are far less exotic than they pretend.

Cleanliness is next to Godliness – which is a Thai restaurant adjacent to the dry-cleaners on Euston road – take a number 73 bus and change at Marble Arch.

The foolish man built his house upon the sand – and then sold it for £1.2 million because of the stunning sea view. Not so foolish, eh?

Get wisdom. Get understanding. Get 25% off your next purchase of ‘Biz’, the washing liquid with added sparrow spunk.

Don’t enter into the path of the wicked. Don’t walk in the way of evil men. Do not pass ‘Go’. Do not collect $200.

Put away from yourself a perverse mouth. Put corrupt lips far from you. In fact, don’t speak to politicians at all.

A bush in the hand is worth two in the bird.

The wise man built his house upon the rock – and then the Spanish invaded Gibraltar and claimed his property for the Spanish Government.  Not so wise, really, was he?

The love of monkey is the root of all the zoo’s revenue.

Blessed are the watchmakers – for they will always make time for strangers.

A cat has nine lives, all of them involve licking their own genitals rigorously. I think we can all learn from cats.

All roads lead to Rome.  Apart from mine, which leads to the A23.

A drowning man is not troubled by rain, but will still tell Jehovah’s Witnesses to fuck off.

A son is a son till he gets him a wife, but a daughter’s a daughter the rest of your life.  Unless she has a sex change, of course.

As the best wine makes the sharpest vinegar, the truest lover may turn into the worst enemy – especially if you’ve slept with her sister. Twice.

Death pays all debts – unless you owe money to the taxman and then he’ll find some way to collect.

Give a man a fish, and he’ll eat for a day. Teach him how to fish and you’ll never see him at weekends.

Honesty is the best policy, but doesn’t pay out for incidences of terrorism or acts of God.  Check the small print, it’s all there.

Love thy neighbour – but don’t get caught or the wife’ll have the house, the kids & all of your stuff will be on the front lawn in a black bin liner.

Make hay while the sun shines – or just sunbathe. Whatever – it’s all good.

A good man is hard to find.  A hard man is not so good to find, when he’s in the bushes, next to the children’s play area.

A leopard cannot change it’s spots.  Nor babies’ nappies.

A little bit of what you fancy does you good.  Unless you fancy Kerry Katona.  That’s never good.

Every man has his price.  Usually Katie Price.  She’s been around, you know.